Thoughts

As I've focussed on what I need to do to make myself better, I've come to the realization of a couple of things, granted that I haven't thought on them long enough to come to an inteligent conclusion about it, here's my thoughts, scattered and broken as of this moment. As my last post pointed out, most of my focus on life has been about music, and that's starting to change. I'm really not much of a social person. I was reading through the October 2004 New Era, because I heard it related more to singles than youth. One article talked about the need of friendship in general and how important it is in everyone's life. At one point in my life, long ago, I felt that need. Instead of feeding that need, I destroyed that need, and for the most part, don't rely on socialization and friends. I may feel the need to get things off my chest, but that was never through the use of friends.

There are obviously flaws and shortcomings that come from this. My love for people in general is very much so lacking. Granted you can say that for the same for my relationship with God too. All of my emotions I saved for music, and everything else got the short end of the stick. So how do I learn to love? I'm having a hard time figuring that out. I am generally a very nice person. In the tuba studio the one adjective that all of them would describe me as is nice. I would do anything for you, I'd give you the coat off my back, if I actually used one. I wouldn't in any way do anything to ever offend you or do something to piss you off. But you will never ever get to know me personally, and I wouldn't you. I just can't seem to care about people's emotional welfare. Would I mourn with those that mourn, comfort those who stand in need of comfort? If I was close to them, but that'll never happen.

My relationship to God has always been one of duty. I know what he's done for us, and what I need to do in return, but I can't say that I've got any emotion to say that I love him for what he's done for us. Course maybe I truly don't know how much Heavenly Father has done for us or understand, otherwise I would feel love for it. Who knows?

Anyway, back to the question of how do I learn to love. That was one of my questions that I had a goal of finding the answers to over General Conference. I believe I've found the answers, but have a hard time comprehending it, I guess. One of the conference talks mentioned praying to God with all your heart to be filled with His love. I find I lack the sufficient amount of faith to actually do that. Explain that one to me. I can find the faith to finally rely on Him in all that I do, more than at any other time in my life, and I can't seem to find the faith to love Him. Maybe that will come in time, if I continue to actively pursue my answer. Well, I guess I've written enough of my thoughts down tonight. This week I've averaged about 4 1/2 hours of sleep a night, and considering it's 12:30, regardless of whatever time it shows up as, I need sleep.