To Mom

July 4th, 2005, my family met like any other family. Most of us happened to be present. Our mom decided to sit us down for a couple of family announcements, one good and one bad. I can't remember if the good was first or not. But the first was that my sister was pregnant with her fourth child. After the normal hubbub, mom said now for the bad news, which one of my brothers immediately piped up and said, "What's on the will?" or something to that effect. Being the exceptionally morbid family that we are, of course we all laughed and were still having a good time. Our mom made the announcement that she had cancer. She explained a little bit about how it was going, which at that point, she said it was just three little spots in the liver, and they were going to cut in, remove it, end of story. Pretty much just informative, and a little bit of joking around about it. Even my mother was laughing about it. She was making jokes about how relieved she was when she found out she had cancer and that death might be a little sooner than she thought, and her first thought was, "Yes! I'm not going to have to take care of the 28 years worth of stuff in our house." At that point no one was upset, and things were going well. Although I know my sister who was pregnant was probably the first to cry. She blamed it on her pregnancy.

Well they cut in and removed the cancer from her liver, but they found out that instead of starting in her liver, it was actually from her common bile duct. Basically where all of our waste goes through. That was a little bit more serious. They can't remove the common bile duct, or replace it, and the only option with common bile duct really is chemo. Well, my two oldest internet savvy sisters went to work to find out the information. Now, if you know my family you could almost guess which one looked up which path. My sister most like me in personality, and pretty optimistic person, looked up different cures, and alternate medication and researched in that area. The other sister looked up mortality rates for common bile duct cancer. It was quite humorous, the quirks in our family. Anyway, if you don't know the mortality rates for common bile duct cancer, 90% die within a year, and 100% with five. We still didn't worry about it too much at that point. Some did more than others, but most of us are very independent people with minimal contact among family. While we care a great deal, we don't show that by the normal means. There are some siblings that even if I haven't seen them in 20 years, I would go up, say hello, probably wouldn't hug them or be excited. We'd have a great chat and enjoy one another's company, then go back to our lives.

I think I told my girlfriend soon after about what was happening, and that I'm not as concerned about my mom dieing as much as I'm worried about her suffering through the last part of her life. That would bother me more than anything. Well mom seemed to do alright. Her perspective on life had changed slightly and things were going well for her. She didn't seem to be in too much pain, she still accomplished all the things that she normally does, and functioned as normally as anyone else would.

My mom is a big-time worrier. That's probably what gave her cancer in the first place. Anyway, she loves to have things prepared and taken care of well in advance. Do you know what else this includes? Preparing all of her stuff around the house and getting things ready for her funeral. It was just so funny to see her in her element even with everything going on. I remember her talking about when she was the Relief Society President and she would have to go into people's houses after they die and help get everything organized and taken care of, and she didn't want anyone to go through that hassle with her, so she did it all herself. I love her quirks. She sends daily e-mails through to all of us, and I love reading them, because they are so typical and fit so perfectly.

We went on a trip to Nauvoo later in July. It was my mom, dad, bandjam and me. We had a great time going through Nauvoo for a day and a half and seeing the pageant there. I had meant to write a blog on several aspects of the trip, but never got around to it. My mother at this point wasn't eating very well and was really sick to her stomach for much of the trip. She was also turning yellow. Apparently with the cancer being in her common bile duct, her waste wasn't getting through and she was becoming jaundiced. This trip was special for me. Not for the trip itself, but the people I was with. My mom and dad aren't the most affectionate couple, and what I mean by that is that they never really show affection in any situations. So whenever I saw my dad helping my mom out, or just them sharing a laugh together, it meant a lot to me.

We got home off the trip and I had to go back to Lexington. Mom's jaundiced appearance was getting worse, and a couple of lady's in the relief society forced her to go to a medical center up in Ohio to take care of her. She still had access to internet and would write her daily e-mails. This was the first moment that I think my mom cried about what was going on. She had looked in the mirror and seen just how yellow she was. Well, they were able to put a stint into my mom and that allowed her to get rid of the waste inside her body.

While in Lexington, a couple of guys from church found out that my mom had cancer. These guys grew up in my home-ward with me. At this point, we really don't feel terrible or bad about the situation. One in particular is very good at sympathy and empathy. The only problem is that if a person doesn't need comforting and somebody's trying to comfort them, it makes them REALLY uncomfortable. They come up to me and say, "I'm really sorry to hear about your mother." To which I want reply, "Whatever" because I'm really not feeling all that bad, and life is good. They usually just made me feel guilty because I wasn't feeling bad. I know a couple of siblings who felt this way. At this point it wasn't a concern.

Sometime during mid-August, I was really praying for the welfare of my mom. I just didn't want her to suffer and be able to live her life. As I was praying, I was really comforted that she is in good hands. That night, I received the daily e-mail from mom. That was yet another very special day for me. It was a second confirmation to me that mom is being taken care of. In that e-mail my mom had talked about what a great day she had had, and how all of these little things going on were wonderful blessings to her at that time. I tend not to save my mom's e-mails as I'm sure they're all on our computer at home, but this one will always be in my inbox and will not be deleted.

Well, school ended up starting and life continued as normal. I would occasionally make morbid jokes about what's going on. One in particular I thought was funny, just because nobody but my girlfriend and I knew what was going on. We were at a reception for a girl in the branch, and we were looking through the photos of the couple. There was one picture that was a little different from the norm. It had the newly-weds in the middle, and the parents on each side and a little behind. All three couples were kissing their spouses. The branch president was making some remark about it. To which I piped up, "Gee, that'll never happen at my wedding." Nobody but my girlfriend understood the reference. She was trying to hide a smile and glare at me at the same time.

Yet another family quirk for fun, although I wasn't involved in this one. My mom flew out to Utah to visit her sister, and my sister was there at BYU attending classes and whatnot. Well, her roommates just couldn't believe that my sister was close by my mom and only visited her for a lunch. My mom told my sister that she had better things to do, like do her homework and prepare for all of her classes. Once a mom, always a mom.

I decided to visit mom a couple of weeks ago, and that would be about the time that I was a little more serious about what was going on. We get home and the first thing I notice is that mom has lost a lot of weight. There was hardly anything left to her, weight wise and unfortunately, energy wise. The first night we got home, I looked through a scrapbook that she had prepared for her funeral. It was the first twenty-five years of her life. She talked of everything that happened throughout her life and all of the pictures up until she was married. She lamented the fact that nobody would be there to explain all of the pictures to everyone. I'm glad that I had the chance to go through it with her that weekend.

It was scary to see my mom throughout that weekend. She looked and felt awful the entire weekend. It didn't look like she would make it through to Christmas like she was hoping. There were three times in particular that I saw my mom that weekend, hunched over and holding her stomach, not moving in so much pain, that I was very close to crying, my eyes teared over, but I didn't let it go. My mom still remained as active as she could. She gave my dad and me a haircut, helped us raid the food storage to take some food back with us. She played the role of mother, while in the last stages of cancer.

That Sunday, I felt impressed to attend the single's branch right after my home ward. That meant a fast drive and packing up stuff rather quickly. My mom had left church earlier that day because she wasn't feeling well at all. I suspected to go home and say goodbye there right after church. Well, she came back to church to play organ and piano for the choir for the Christmas cantata for this year. I didn't cross paths with her at church as I was on my way home to pack everything up as quick as I could. I was already running incredibly late, but I knew I had to say goodbye to my mother. I went back to the church to say goodbye, and I passed her going the other way, so after turning around and following her all the way back home, I gave her a hug goodbye and left.

Monday, we got an e-mail from my dad. Part of it was the daily e-mail from mom, and the other part was dad saying mom was in the hospital. For my dad to send an e-mail meant that it was serious. You'd never see him e-mail otherwise.

Tuesday night, I entered the sleep disorder clinic, where they kept me all night, and all day the next day, unfortunately requiring me to miss a day of student teaching during a week in which I really needed to be in the classroom teaching. That night, I read an e-mail telling me that family was starting to go in. My brother and sister who live in Kentucky, my brother up in Michigan, sister in Utah, and sister in California were all on their way in, or in preparation to come in. I read it, called my teachers that I'm working with to let them know that it's possible that I have to go straight home, and said that I would let them know, once I knew more information. I was trying to wait as late as possible to get the most accurate information when I called home. Around 7:30 P.M., my sister beat me to it, and told mom's condition. I thought quite a bit about what I should do. It's my solo week with K-2nd and I've got to be there, otherwise I would be missing three days in a row. I finally decided that I needed to go home. My brother and I packed up, made arrangements with teachers, work, etc, and took off for home. We arrived at the hospital at 11:30 P.M. All of our siblings were there, but one who was driving for a business trip up to Utah, and had to turn his car and drive to Kentucky.

We walked into the room where my mom was being kept. There was a room for company to stay with a couch, chairs, and TV, and a divided area for the hospital bed where my mother was sleeping in. We talked and joked a little bit as a family. Many of the siblings had been sitting with mom and were ready to call it a night. So all of the siblings headed off a couple at a time for home. Pretty soon it was bandjam, my brother who lives with me, me, and my dad. I'm on one side on mom while bandjam is on the other side.

My mother was just given an extremely powerful pain pill and was sleeping. They had tried morphine on Monday, but it slowed her breathing to eight times a minute, so they gave her something a little less powerful. She had been sleeping when I had entered the room. Her skin had become jaundiced again because the cancer had grown over the stint that kept her draining fluids. Well she couldn't drain any of the waste flowing through her body, and her skin had turned extremely yellow. Occasionally my mom would awake. These were the most painful moments to watch. She would attempt to lift her arms to try to hold where she's in extreme pain. She was too weak to really lift her arms. She would try to straighten her head and couldn't lift her head. She would groan in pain even with a massive amount of medication in her. She would whisper incomprehensible phrases and we would listen, hoping to get something coherent. We wanted to ease her pain in whatever way we could, yet were helpless on the sidelines, unable to provide her with anything but the support that we were there. That was the hardest part of all, sitting there, watching her in such pain, and not a thing you can do. Some point during that time, I couldn't take it anymore. I made an excuse to go get some books from the vehicle. I made it to the vehicle and started crying. It was so hard to see mom suffer. I composed myself, cleaned up, grabbed my books and went back up to start the night watch over my mom. I grabbed my hymnbook and sang several hymns to our mother in the hopes that she could hear and comprehend at least our singing and provide some comfort. While I never cried, my voice was certainly unsteady, bandjam was doing alright, but she had gotten her tears out earlier. We talked about life and things in general till about 2:30 in the morning. My dad woke up and took over the watch from there. Bandjam and I found places to crash in the room. It was a fitful sleep as I would wake up and look over to see my mom still there in a painful and fitful sleep. Dad stayed up with her from that point of the night till the morning. Bandjam and I woke around 6:00 in the morning on Thursday and kept watch over her for a little longer, each in our own thoughts. At this point, mom was in such pain that she was actually crying, as unconnected as her thoughts were, she was still crying and in an amazing amount of pain. My father made the decision to give her the morphine for the last hours of her life.

All of the siblings that went home started trickling in during the morning. I relinquished my post at mom's side and fell back asleep till about 11. I stayed for half an hour, and made the decision to go home, shower, eat, then came back. We made the drive and went straight to the hospital, kept the night watch and still hadn't been home. I went home with two other siblings and talked a little bit to one of the in-laws who was just about to leave. I then took a shower. Just as a got out of the shower, bandjam handed the phone to me. It was my brother from Michigan, telling me that mom had just died and we needed to get down there. She died shortly before noon. I hardly dried off, put on some pants, and ran out half naked with a shirt and shoes in hand. My brother already had the vehicle started, so I jumped in and starting dressing the rest of the way. We arrived at the hospital, and joined the family as the nurses were taking care of the body and removing the needles and other devices from my mom. We were waiting in a small chapel inside the hospital, each left to their own thoughts or sobbing in the arms of another family member.

At that point, I was more relieved that mom had passed away. Death to me at that point was a sweet release for my mother, who had been in an unbearable pain for the past week. My two older sisters went on a walk outside to comfort each other. My oldest brother was tending to his kids as his wife was helping prepare the body with the nurses. My brother still in Kentucky that doesn't live with me was with his wife. His eyes were red-rimmed at that point, but his tears seemed spent when we arrived. My youngest sister, still at home and the closest child to mom, was crying into the arms of bandjam. My brother living with me, myself, and my dad stood, lost in our own thoughts of the event that just took place. My brother from Texas, unfortunately, was still about five hours away having driven across the country.

They came and got us, and told us we could enter the room where my mom lay. Mom's body was a frail frame of the women she had been in life. It didn't look like her. Her chest still, never to take another breathe, her mouth hung open, eyes closed. You almost expect her to start breathing as it just doesn't seem real. It still at times doesn't seem real.

It took a while to get everyone gathered as we all had scattered to places more private. We met, talked a little bit. Each person shared something of mom, we sang a hymn, had a prayer, said our goodbyes, and left to go home as the body was taken care of.

We all came home and started making preparations for the funeral. Word spread with amazing speed. Almost every call we made already knew that my mom died. Food came from all over. The ward, neighbors, my dad's work, the band parents, all showed up to show their support. The priesthood brethren came and mowed the yard and cleaned up outside, as it needed doing. More showed up later to do the same thing, not realizing that it had already been done. I understand now why people give so much food to the families of those who just passed away. I wouldn't have eaten otherwise. The whole incident left me devoid of feeling hunger. I felt obligated to eat with the amount of food coming into our house, just to keep it from being wasted. Otherwise, I wouldn't feel the need to actually fix something and eat it. The night and morning before mom died proved that. I had eaten three grapes in a 24-hour period and really wasn't inclined to eat more.

That night we finally had all nine kids in. That was the first time in over 5 years that all siblings were together. We got a picture taken with everyone and everyone ate a variety of food. I head back to Lexington that night with one of my brother's and his wife. They hadn't brought any clothes and had work in the morning. I had a seminar to attend, and some teaching to do.

Earlier on Thursday, I had called up my girlfriend to meet me after institute, although I arrived an hour after institute was over. She was there waiting for me. My brother dropped me off with her, and she and I drove to my apartment. We fixed a small meal for her, I was still full, talked for a little while, and then I bawled. I think I cried in her arms for a good half hour. She then asked if I wanted to talk about it, I hadn't even said a word about it at that point. I told her in detail, everything that had transpired. I managed not to break down again, but I certainly had tears running down my cheeks. She eventually had to leave to get back so she could attend her classes tomorrow.

Friday, I got up, attended a seminar for student teachers about becoming a new teacher and everything involved with that. I drove over to renew my license, then headed about an hour early to the middle school I teach at. I more or less helped out, I just needed to be doing something. I got home and checked a couple of things on the internet, ate, and couldn't decide what to do. I couldn't handle being in my apartment, and my girlfriend was trying to get all of her homework completed so that she could go with me back home for the viewing and funeral and be my emotional support for the weekend. I called a couple of guys in the branch who knew my mom and the situation, and hung out with them, just so I could have some company and be doing something. I couldn't stand being alone in my apartment.

My girlfriend and I took off for my home on Saturday, and spent a day with all of my brothers and sisters. One had to leave, so that left us with eight siblings of nine. Mostly just a day to visit and spend time enjoying each other's company.

The viewing was Sunday night. We had lived in the area for 28 years. It was amazing to me the turnout at this funeral. I didn't count exactly how many had shown up, but the place was packed for the entire three hours. I actually went out and socialized with many of those who had come from all over. I was pretty terrible about introducing my girlfriend to everyone. People kept on trying to guess who she was. I was amusing to watch. She was called my wife, my brother's wife, my fiancé, etc. It was fun. Of course people were bursting to know what it was, and then telling me that I should marry her. We aren't quite to that point. I'm so glad she came and was being so supportive for me.

The funeral was today at 11 A.M. It was a wonderful service. The only time tears welled up in my eyes was when the coffin was closed and the realization hit that this was the last time in this life that I would see my mom. One of my mom's friends over the past eight years gave the eulogy. She did a great job showing mom in the light that she was, from the good, to the bad, to the funny, and the ugly. My sister read the obituary, and actually made it through. We sang two special numbers and played one duet at the funeral as family members. We got them recorded to keep as a memory of this time. We took mom out to the graveyard where mom would take us on walks and there dedicated the grave and left her to be buried. We went back for the luncheon at the church, then my girlfriend and I left to come back to Lexington. She spent some time with me here, then took off for home. She's been a great support throughout everything, and even missed Monday classes to attend the funeral for me. She's been wonderful.

This is written for my mom. She wrote daily e-mails with such detail about everything going on in life. Although my mom would include more detail than what I've included, I've written this for myself to keep, and for my mom. I love her, and her unending sacrifice to all of us kids.


Obituary of Ann 1944-2005

Ann, of Flatwoods, Kentucky passed away peacefully on October 20, 2005 after courageously facing cancer.

Ann was born in Salt Lake City, Utah, on July 6th, 1944 to John and Emily. Sister to John, Robert, and Linda. Ann married James for time and eternity in the Salt Lake City Temple on August 25, 1967. In 1968, she graduated from Brigham Young University with a Masters Degree in Botany. The family moved to Kentucky in 1978. Ann is the beloved mother of 9 children, and grandmother to 14. Ann will be missed for her many talents and the blessings she provided to those whose lives she touched. She loved music and played piano and organ for recreation and for the benefit of others. A piano teacher, her musical legacy spans generations. Active in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, her concern and love for others was shown in many hours of selfless service. Ann was a wonderful teacher, mother, and friend who loved historical places and travel. She proudly displayed her collection of key chains from the many places she visited around the world.

Ann was preceded in death by her mother in December of 2001. She is survived by her father John of Orem, Utah; her husband Jim of Flatwoods, Kentucky; brothers Johnny of Orem, Utah and Robert of Mesa, AZ; sister Linda of Orem, Utah; her children Joanna, Robert, David, Debra, Darin, Christopher, Jamie, Jonathan, and Tamra; 14 grandchildren and one unborn grandchild.

Friends may pay their respects Sunday evening, October 23rd at Carman Funeral home from 6 to 9 pm.

Funeral services will be held Monday, October 24th, 2005, 11 am at the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints located at 1001 Kenwood Dr. Russell, KY.
She will be laid to rest in Bellefonte Memorial Gardens, where she loved to walk.

Yet more on FHE

I don't have a lot of time to write, but I wanted to get this in before I went to bed, so I'm probably not even going to proof-read this for those that care. Sorry

So tonight at FHE, and actually for the past two months, things have gone rather well with the lessons. They're well-prepared and thought out. They're doing a wonderful balance between spiritual and fun activities. I'm impressed at how well of a job they're doing.

It just so happens that the same girl is in charge of it. She has done an exceptional job in getting things taken care the past couple of months, where before she did an absolutely terrible job and I've written plenty of rants on her and FHE. The BIG downside to this is that absolutely no one comes to FHE any more. We had a total of 6 singles there, and one couple from the Branch Presidency. It's really sad, as I've thought about. The FHE coordinator finally got her act together, and nobody's willing to give her any more chances at doing something constructive for FHE. It actually really pisses me off, when I know there should easily be over 30 people attending FHE.

I guess I really feel sorry for the girl. She's finally putting the time and energy required to fulfill the calling, and everybody else has given up on her and all of her efforts at trying to bring things together are for nothing. She doesn't really get to see any fruits of her labors.

The thing that really gets me down about this is what myself and one of the other singles had to do that night. The girl normally in charge of FHE wasn't there, and somebody on the committee was running it, and was pleading with us about what we can do to get more people attending FHE. The brutal honesty of it is that the girl in charge needs to be replaced. Not because she's failing at her calling as much as people won't support her in her calling anymore. We didn't feel comfortable telling everybody there that, but we talked specifically to the Branch Presidency member there afterwards and told him what exactly needs to be done to get everyone back out to FHE. Can the girl and put somebody else in.

Wow, do I feel hateful of myself right now. I can't really say that that is supporting her in her calling, and to me, the higher road seems to be telling the entire branch what's up and what their responsibility is, which I am half-tempted to do. At this point, it's not the fault of the girl anymore as it is the fault of the entire branch that this girl finally gets on track only to be taken out of the calling because of the stubberness of all of those in the branch. It's really sad. I feel like reaming the entire branch, but it's not my place to do such a thing, unless I'm specifically told by the branch presidency to do so. That was actually one thing they brought up and joked about with us, but I don't think they would ever do that, unfortunately. Chastisement isn't nessicarily a bad thing in certain situations. Oh well. I just hope that girl doesn't take it too hard to find all her efforts are useless.

Caution Advised

So it's been quite a while since I've written anything on my blog, and that has several reasons behind it. The first is that I'm just way too busy, the second is that since I'm student teaching and that requires me to obey certain laws and when I become a teacher, I'd have to act in a certain professional manner. Which means I couldn't bash on something that I dislike a school system doing, or whatever a certain teacher, principal, etc. did. I decided not to divulge too much information starting now. On the other side, I don't have the time to write very much.

Now that isn't to say that student teaching is going bad or anything, it's going well. I have my bad days and good days, but overall I'm enjoying the experience and learning a ton as far as application to the classroom.

But teaching or saying that I'm too busy isn't my purpose right now. It's some venting, frustration, amusement, and satisfaction all rolled into one. More venting and frustration.

Lately, I've been quite frustrated with my brother's habit of putting content on the computer that I could care less to have on the computer. Especially when my girlfriend and I run across it. After cleaning the contents off the computer for about the third time, I decided to delete the program with which he was using to download it all. It was obviously done so that he would notice and get the picture that I do not want that stuff in my apartment and would like to maintain some semblance of a home as it should be.

The next day, I decided to play an online game, and it just so happens that Jon had spent the last three months on this game, and basically it was his life outside of the little bit he did with school and work. He probably had put 300+ hours into this game easily. Well, running low on sleep and common sense, I made it possible for the account to get hacked, and they basically went through and cleaned all of his characters out completely. Took all of his supplies, killed his characters and made them lose levels, etc. Whoops. Well, that wasn't good after I already was directly involved in one of his addictions, then I destroy his three months work with another addiction. He probably thinks I did that on purpose too, and in reality I did feel guilty about it, but it was something I felt he deserved. Too many times has he neglected any type of responsibility in place of a meaningless game. Too bad I can't get the kids to stop ordering pizza and fast food. Pizza about once every two days and fast food I suspect everyday. I tried buying a decent amount of food from the grocery store, yet he wasn't even phased by it. We had 20 pizza boxes stacked by Friday, and I think I had two or three pieces of it. When I specially told him that my girlfriend was coming over, he finally threw them out.

So now the amusing part. The next day, my brother put a password on the computer and wouldn't allow me on. Big surprise after what I did. To be fair, a couple of days later he put an option so someone can log on as a guest and have access to a few things. Most of the files are still available. You can't delete anything unless it's on the desktop, and you can't alter even a word document unless it's brought to desktop. I was just amused by all of this. Since I've become so busy, I don't have too much time to spend on the computer anyway, so it doesn't effect me much. It was annoying there for a while when I couldn't access my 20 pages of reflection notes on student teaching, not to mention I couldn't write up my lesson plans for a couple of days. That's some things I definitely need. It does provide other problems like not loading BlueBeta properly, pictures not downloading, programs opening wrong, etc.

The unfortunate part is that he didn't get the message at all(note I'm not surprised at all). The next time I see even a remote amount of crap on the computer, THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY. I will not tolerate it. The kid has so much more potential then what he shows. Why must he allow it go to waist and lead a fairly purposeless life compared to what I know he can accomplish? I try not to say anything, because I know if I say anything, I'll blow up in a bigger proportion than would ever be wanted, yet at this point he is forcing my hand. At some point I will say something and it will escalate, at this point it seems inevitable, and it will be totally wrong and harmful. Gee, you think I should take some preventive measures?

The other problem is I see his failure in life as my failure to help him as an older brother. Most of my frustration stems from, "What could I have done more?" And there's a lot I could have done better. Why can't I just be perfect seems to be the main thought that has run through my head for the past month. I wish I understood the atonement better than I do. It would make life so much easier.