To blog

It's 5:30 in the morning, my sleep schedule is so off that right now is the end of my afternoon nap. Bedtimes about 9 A.M. School starts in a couple of days. That'll be fun. I've got auditions today at 1 P.M. I've practiced the music a whole 30 minutes. Since I've been to Utah and Florida, I had no chance to practice and I'm basically not going to make a band this semester, although really at this point, I don't care to be in a band, in fact, I'm hoping for an extra 6 hours a week. A lot of my music classes have become irrelevant, while I need to understand more about how to teach elementary, which UK offers none.

Yet really, none of this seems to bother me as much as that stupid Florida trip and a couple of related things. Perhaps it's just my frustration of wanting to talk to others. I can count on one hand, outside of family, the people I've talked to longer than one hour for the past six months. And each of those people only once, never more than that. Okay, let me think what direction I want to go with this...

Alright, I was talking to my brother from Winchester the other day. He was returning my truck since he totalled his vehicle over Christmas and I didn't need it as I was in Florida. We ended up talking for a couple of hours. For this brother, it was quite a refreshing change. For some reason, he tends to be one in particular that all of us small talk with. We never delve into the serious or philosophical with him. We usually talk of running, racquetball, biking, progression on their new house, video games, he'll do a little bit of teasing about the girl next door, and we cover any other superficial topic. This past visit was a little more serious than usual. He didn't mention the girl next door, which rather surprised me, but he talked more about the need of having companionship from the opposite sex, which for me I squelched mercilessly so I could work specifically on my major. His remark was rather funny when I said that, "You know, it's not a bad thing to feel that way." Sad, but true. I always joke that I get to make out three hours a day or more. Anytime I feel like it. He didn't quite understand how I could not care about having a relationship or just not communicating with other people in general.

I think a lot of it goes back to what I wrote about the Florida trip. I just don't like people. I really just don't like them. Maybe I'm just jealous because they actually talk to each other, while I can stay completely silent for days. I find most people to be immature, say inane things, and I'm not just talking about school. I'm also talking about the single's branch that I go to. Today in church, I didn't have a real conversation with anyone outside of regular business. You know what's even worse is that I don't promote talking to others at all. You want to know what I did during down time at church today? I studied the audition music. Yes, that's right, I studied the audition music. I got all the fingerings under my belt so that when I went to practice, I could spend as little time in there as possible. I broke my vow of never practicing on Sunday, but that's not the point of this blog, so back to the subject at hand. I must look like one of the most unapproachable people ever, and I don't approach people. I've sat in the same seat in church by myself for the past year and a half during sacrament, content with myself.

Should I really be this content with being a loner? I find that it's wrong. One shouldn't be alone 24/7 like I am. I'm in a weird position about that. I've got the self worth and self confidence that comes from being among friends, and yet I don't feel the need to have any. I would venture to say that most people need at least a few friends to feel some amount of self worth and self confidence.

I guess this thought has been spurred by the individuals on the Florida trip who enjoyed themselves with their friends while I really did not have a good time on the trip at all. In case you read that post, the first line was being very sarcastic. I had nobody to enjoy it with, and I think it's starting to grate on me, which isn't a bad thing. I don't think. For the first time since my mission, well, before my mission actually that I have the desire to just talk with a member of the opposite sex. Well heck, just anybody in general. Of course I haven't made that move to talk to anybody. I'm not sure if I even remember how to talk to people anymore. I'm pretty sure I'm a personable enough guy, in fact I know I can be. I usually am, and have been told so.

Actually as a shoutout to TO and his last post, I probably laugh way too much. My blog makes up a lot of rants and raves about things in general, yet in real life, I'm never that way. I was once working on a project for general music, crunch time, 5 minutes before class to do a presentation. Another girl in the class had to give a presentation the same day. All I could do was laugh about the entire supposedly stressful situation and joke around till the girl rears her head towards me and yells, "It's not funny!!!" I was quite taken aback by it. This has happened on a few occassions though. I've got a whole other blog to write about that, maybe, who knows. I wasn't planning on writing all of this randomness up, but that what happens when you wake up from afternoon naps at 5:30 in the morning.

I guess I should conclude my remarks in some way, but I just don't know what to think at all. I'm frustrated that I have no one to talk to, and I guess I actually feel the need for the first time in a long while to just be with people if only I actually like them. Something like that. It's just what am I going to do about it. I guess that's the inconclusive remark for the day. Man, I need to stop before I hurt myself.