The 124 Hour Board, Thanks, and Venting

Sometimes I feel like a very unofficial board writer than a reader/questioner. So far this past week, I've had three comments I've made to the board and one question. If I didn't lump my comments together, I think it would have been five. How sad is that. I'll be the start of the 124 Hour Board. I'm a person who feels my two cents about random subjects is needed, don't ask me why. Maybe I just like seeing my name up there. Anyway just making a note.

Well it's 2:32 A.M., I need to learn how to fix the time on this thing. By the way, props to Benvolio for showing me how to get the links in there, I may have had no clue what it all means but I got it done. Gee it looks a lot like his, except where my name was is now his. Maybe I'll change it around and add some others that I like to read, we'll see. Sorry, that was a side track.

Anyway, as I can't sleep and I don't have classes tomorrow becuase of election day, I'm going to stay up and write about stuff. First off, some venting of frustration. Starting about a year and half ago.

I finished my mission and one semester of school. My brother had just graduated high school. He basically didn't have any plans except staying at home and going to the community college and hanging out with his girl off and on for the past three years. Personally, I thought he could do a lot better in his life than that, and told him to join me here in Lexington and go to school. I did this for several reasons. First off, I felt his girlfriend was a bad influence on him, second I felt that as the older brother, I could show him the ropes of college life and help him out through his first years of living on his own and help him continue to grow. Wow, that sounds like I'm trying to control his life or something. Anyway, he applied too late to get accepted to UK and went to the community college here for a semester instead, then transferred over to UK the next semester. That whole situation was pretty sad. Since my brother did Governor's School for the Arts and got above a 28 on the ACT, he had a full ride to any Kentucky University. Well he lost that by attending a semester of cummunity college instead of aspiring to what he could be.

I had very high expectations of him and what he could do. Well anyway, the first semester goes by, and I was just a royal pain in the ass. As things that semester weren't the greatest for me, and by far the most stressful, I waylaid into him a lot without really realizing what I was doing. It was really stupid of me. Anyway, he never said anything to me, and then over Thanksgiving mentioned it to my sister and mother, who set me straight on the matter. I put him down so freakin' much that semester.

Spiritually, I was hoping to help him out to, make sure he didn't pull the same thing that another older brother with the same personality traits as him. So again, I had high expectations here too. The first night, I got him to read scriptures with me, yeah, he ended falling asleep, so I just gave up, after the first night. Not that I was doing all that great on my own, either at the time.

Well anyway, the semester ends. I go home for Christmas for the whole girl next door situation and feel that out. My family travels to California to visit my sister out there. My brother stayed in the apartment in Lexington. He spend Christmas with the Brach President and his family. Anyway, I get back from Christmas break and brother has found himself a job. A job that he purposely had them work him on Sunday, so as to give him an excuse not to go church and to not experience my wrath if he just sat at home and chose not to go to church. The next three months, I bit my tongue, and I mean hard. There were so many times I just wanted to beat some sense into his mind about the stupidity that he's doing. I know full well everything he's experiencing, and then he finally just decided to give up on what he KNOWS he should be doing. I'm not going into any more detail about that because that's his story, not mine. Let's just say that I never said a word, because I knew it wouldn't be a kind word and that wasn't what he needed to hear. I learned that lesson earlier, yet it was still probably too late. Eventually he did talk to mom about his reasoning and why he's chose to make the decisions that he made. I'm actually surprised how well and lovingly my mom was about the situation from just listening to her end of the phone conversation. Definitely not how she ussually is, but I've felt more respect for my mom at that time than any other time before. Usually she's blows a casket on any little detail and all the small stuff, but when it's the serious stuff, she handles it well.

My families not the greatest at communication, and we're even worse when it comes between each other. My brother had very strong peer relationships within the gospel, and I have a feeling that that's what kept him going. Once he got here, it just didn't work for him at all. He's probably the worst one in the family at communicating with others, so for half a year of church with just casual hi/goodbye conversations with the branch, no peer support, scriptural support, to an extent family support, girlfriend dating somebody within several months after my brother moves here, he gave up. Not just with the gospel. The kid tried to replace it with all the little gadgets we use to occupy ourselves. The whole misery loves company thing. He buys computers, TV, playstation, DVD, VCR, little stupid ceramic things from E-Bay, more pizza and fast food than I've eaten in the past five years. Obviously he found out that that's very temporary and he jumps from one band wagon to the next, finding himself bored within the week and tries something else, in an entire state of limbo. My other brother who went inactive is like that, so the brother I'm living with is trying to emulate the 'happiness' of my older brother who's been inactive for ten years. Yeah, tell me if living with a girl for five years, have a $10,000 dollar wedding with the huge social surroundings, only to be divorced a year later, then lose your employment while in debt. He had just gotten out of that and remarried to a much better individual, found a job, yet right back into the whole material possession stage, which my brother is trying to emulate. Whatever.

Anyway, this past semester, school starts up again. His grades were quite poor from the year before from skipping classes and sleeping through them, etc., etc. Well, he finally decides that school isn't for him and he drops out. When you think he's dug himself a deep enough hole, he finds himself another shovel and continues to dig himself deeper into despair. I see it, I know he's hurting, yet he can't reach out to anyone, he doesn't know how. I know I should reach out to him, yet years of conditioning in our family to become the unemotional rocks creates too many barriers in my family to break through. I don't even give it the good graces to try.

He's now just recently quit one of his jobs, and the rest of the time plays computer games, with no real attempt of finding a job. His aspirations in life have disapated into nothingness. His life has become a meaningless empty shell.

And I can't help but feeling that I helped cause this. I had such high hopes of success for my brother as we would live here and continue to grow and progress. No, instead my brother spins straight downward as I put him down all that first semester, offer no words of encouragement after he become inactive in church. No help as he tries to reach out to someone. No help in alternate solutions with his school situations. I have daily interaction with this guy in which I should be able to help him, and I involve myself in my own activities and leave him largely on his own.

I feel so stinkin' frustrated and disappointed. At myself mostly. I can't even imagine how it is for my parents, or whether since they don't see him on a daily basis and provide parental support that they don't feel at fault. I wonder how miniscual I feel compared to what Heavenly Father feels for his children among the world, who he so painstakingly prepared to come to this life, and prepared the paths for them to follow, only to see them slide further and further away from him. Geez, this is getting very depressing, I shouldn't have even brought this up, as it rekindled a lot of things that I'd rather not think about. Perhaps it must be so, if I ever decide to address the issues at hand and do something for my brother, he's definately not going to make it on his own. Now I know I shouldn't blame myself at all for my brother's choices in his life. I just can't help the feeling of dread that there is way more I can help him out with than I have. I need to stop. I need sleep. I need closure.